Passion

So my last post was a bit down in the dumps wasn't it? I was definitely going through something mentally/emotionally and soon afterwards I suffered an anxiety attack that lasted several hours. The last couple of days I've been feeling much better and I think I know what's been missing.

I am completely fufilled in being a homemaker. I take my job seriously and I'm good at it. I don't make any money at it and I certainly don't gain any notoriety but my husband reminds me almost daily how thankful he is that I do what I do. I see good fruits in my son (even though we have our difficulties) and I've never been more at ease.

There is one thing that bothers me about my life but it's not going to change anytime soon and I'm not comfortable sharing it with anyone but God - so don't ask.

I do know now that I have a desire to get back on stage and also even challenge myself with creating music in some way (which seems far fetched and makes me uncomfortable).

For now, I'll continue to be creative with my knitting and I'll just need to continue to be patient and wait for an opportunity to come along in which I can stretch my acting muscles again. It's all so painful though. My husband understands...he considers his art to be painful too, but it's all he wants to do - what is it that is blocking us from enjoying what we feel passionate about?

I'm still not sure if I'm really thinking at all. I sure do hope I can hear the music in my head one day again - that beautiful background music that plays throughout my days and behind my thoughts and memories.

Let Me In On The Secret

I am a little confused these days. I am strong in my faith. I am happy to be a Christian, wife, and mother. I am a daughter, friend, bread baker, penny pincher, introvert, knitter, organizer, dreamer.

I am all these things but....who am I really? I don't know. Does something need to define me? Do I need to define myself? I don't know what to write anymore. I am not sure if I am even thinking at all.

I don't even feel together enough to feel dull. Haven't you felt dull sometimes? It's like a hazy feeling, a cloud sitting over your brain.
To me...feeling dull right now would be good because I actually feel numb and confused.

Something is definitely missing. The music inside my head has stopped playing. I feel very strange and distant. I don't know what to do.